A New (unwanted) Life

It’s been 18 months since I’ve done anything with this website. A lot can change in that time period. Your whole world can turn upside down.

And that is exactly what has happened with me.

Six months ago to the day, I lost the love of my life. The man I had been married to for thirty-six years had a massive heart attack and passed away at the young age of fifty-five. It happened at the height of the pandemic while we were living in New Jersey. Because of the pandemic I could not go with him to the hospital, our kids could not travel to be with me and I was left completely alone to deal with horrible things I had never had to deal with before.

Things like a medical examiner, a funeral home, and other death related duties. I don’t know how I managed to get through it all. At times I would just fall to the floor and scream. There are days I still feel the impulse to do that but I have more control now then I did in those early days.

Our lease was up on our home in NJ two weeks after my husband passed. My landlord was gracious enough to give me an extra month and to apply our security deposit to that months rent since I now had no income. (I still don’t have any income & there was no life insurance). But the pandemic still left me on my own to deal with the move. I had to pack everything in the house, by myself. I had to move everything to a storage unit with only my car, by myself. I had to arrange for transportation of my stuff to my family in Illinois, by myself. Luckily my son was in a position at that time to help financially or I wouldn’t have been able to even consider getting those things accomplished.

Then, once all those things were accomplished, I had to drive halfway across the country, during a pandemic & protests, with my dog and my cat to get to my mother’s home. I didn’t have anywhere else to go that I wouldn’t be completely alone. It’s not where I wanted to be, but it’s where I had to end up.

Once I arrived at my mother’s home a whole new nightmare started. I didn’t know until the moment I pulled into her driveway the state of disrepair her home had become. She is seventy-five years old and has been living by herself for the last eight years in a 100+ year old Victorian home in a small Illinois community. She was unable to keep up with the maintenance and cleaning. I walked into a disaster.

So now, I’m stuck in this small Illinois community, which would be fine if I was anywhere but this house. I have to find a way to buy a new home and get my mother to leave this one. I’m not sure she will leave but I at least need to be close-by to help care for her until her life is over. Only then will I be able to figure out what I want to do for myself.

All I want in the world right now is a small cottage in the woods where I can work from home, tend to my pets and a small garden and try to surround myself with nature. Nature has always been my medicine. But I seem to be denied that at every turn. I haven’t even begun to heal and I’m not sure when the process will start, probably not until I can get some stress levels down. Existence is a day-by-day list of “have to” tasks to accomplish, and nothing more at this point.

So please, bear with me as I try to navigate this new highway life as thrust me upon. I promise I’ll try to get something going here and I’m going to be honest and up-front about all that I go through. People need to be aware of how absolutely devastating an event like this can be. It happens to too many of us and until it happens to you, there is just no way to understand the magnitude this type of upheaval and loss can have on a person’s will to survive and ability to think.

My best to all of you, I hope you are staying healthy and finding a way to cope mentally & emotionally with the horrific pandemic. It’s such a rough time for so many and my heart aches for each of us for a varying degree of loss we are all feeling.

Much love,

~ Alesia

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